I am sure anyone with a chronic disease has experienced this. You think you are at a good place, your disease is stable, maybe you can even ignore it, then WHAM!!!! It kicks you in the gut and reminds you that it is still here and you better not forget it. This has happened to me with a 1-2 punch. First, I have been experienceing the peripheral neuropathy. This has been going on for a while. I have been mostly ignoring it. Some days I have a hard time drawing blood. When I run, the pins and needles and tingling goes farther up my legs than it was and my arms are asleep to my elbows. It doesn't stop a run, just makes me pay attention to where I am putting my feet. When I lift weights, I have to lift lighter so I can hold on to the dumbbells. My hands don't always want to hold on. But I work, I run, I lift. I feel pretty good. Most people who know me can't believe there is a custom wheelchair in my laundry room that was in daily use until 2008. Those same people have a hard time believing I weighed 240 pounds and smoked two packs a day. Now I am healthy, even with the MS.
Now for the part that is where maybe I forgot the disease. Or at least tried to. Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement. It is a day spent in prayer. You fast. Pay attention to the needs of the spirit, not the comfort of the body. God doesn't expect you to make yourself sick. If you already have health problems, don't make it worse. I know I can't fast. I have to take my medicine and I need some food to do that. In the past I have eaten my normal breakfast. I was told by a wise rabbi once, "don't you dare. It isn't what is needed from you on that day." When I was told that, my wheelchair was as much a part of me as my glasses. So, this year, I tried to do it a little differently. I decided to eat a light breakfast. That way, I am not doing a complete fast, but I am challenging my body to step away from the ordinary, from comfort. BAD IDEA. I didn't even make it through morning services. I got light headed, I am told I was pale, and I am pretty sure I almost passed out. Amy took me out--more accurately drug me out. I left, ate, and laid down for a little while. I went to afternoon services and tried again. People who saw it said it was scary to watch.
That night, my blood sugar was low, even after a big meal. One of the things we ask forgiveness for is arrogance. My rabbi pointed out that thinking I could do that was probably arrogant. On the other hand, the fact that I feel so good that I thought I could deal with this like everyone else is what caused me to do it in the first place. I have found two papers that say some people with MS have impaired ability for gluconeogenisis (making glucose from body stores). I saw my doctor recently, and he said it definitely sounded like a hypoglycemic event. He also said he is pretty sure God will forgive me if I don't fast. So, to my wife and all of my friends who had to witness my stubbornness that day, I am sorry. I don't want to wait until next Yom Kippur to say I am sorry to all of you.
I love you.
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