Long runs are great opprotunities for learning...is my training right, how is my pace, what is my body doing. Sometimes it is also a time for learning about my emotional and mental state. Today was one of those days.
What I learned kind of surprised me. I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry at my body. I am angry at God. I had a serious bout of this when I was first diagnosed with MS. I got over it. It took awhile, including yelling at God and at some people who love me and sat there and took it until I got it out of my system. But, I got over it. And I figured out how to live with the disease instead of spending so much time fighting the disease. Things have been going really well. Until recently....
Today's long run was no exception. I was doing ok, holding a pretty good pace, then my leg felt like I was stepping on a knife. I know as you reach the end of a long run, it hurts. Your legs are tired, your back aches. But usually it is a "good" hurt. Yes, that is an oxymoron, but it is true. It isn't sharp, damaging kind of pain. Usually I can keep going with this. Not so much today.
I have been dealing with this peripheral neuropathy thing for about six months. There isn't a good cause that has been found, thus far. It dawned on me during my run that one of my early lesions was in my spinal cord. So, there is probably going to be a more extensive MRI in my future, depending on the results of the EMG. I am going back to square one. Blood work to check vitamin B-12 and folate among other things. Then an EMG/nerve conduction study. That was the first of the series of tests that led to the diagnosis. I have made so much progress both physically and mentally, and now we are going back to the beginning. Really?
As for the progress physically...I feel like there is regression. The fatigue I am experiencing is horrible. I make myself go run or go to the gym because I feel like if I don't I am giving in to another piece of it. Not to mention it keeps me a little saner than I would be otherwise. I go lift weights or go run sometimes at the times when in the past I would have sat outside with a soda and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. Addiction is addiction, but this is definitely healthier. But I am so tired and frequently feel like I can't keep up.
As I was running today and my leg started to hurt so badly, the anger came rolling out. "Really God. I got it together, I deal with the aspects of this disease, so now you are going to take it away again? Have I not done what I am supposed to do? I eat right, I exercise. Past that, I am a good person, I give back to the world to make at least my corner of it a better place." For about 5 miles, I cried, I yelled, I tried to run--mostly walked about 4 of those miles.
A very wise woman once told me "say your prayers, sweetie, and everything will be okay." On Wednesday this week another woman, who has never met the first, told me the same thing. Two people two different times, two different places can't both be wrong. So, I say my prayers. There may still be some arguing with God, but I know the ultimate answer. I keep doing the things I do to make myself as okay as I can be. And I try to let the people who love me in. But, damn I am mad.
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