Depression

I have tried to be a generally upbeat person, dealing with the issues related to my disease and not letting it get me too far down.  The flip side of that is there is another process going on. Depression is its own disease, and one I have fought with for longer than I have fought the MS.  Add to that, MS can contribute to depression--whether it is an addition to the disease process or the compounding of everything that is going on, who knows.  But does it matter?

Depression is a beast.  It makes me feel like I am smothering.  I can see things happening around me, to me, as I am doing, but it is like I am watching from a distance.  The worst thing about it is the overwhelming feeling of being alone, unloved, not needed.  My head--the part that can pull away from all of this--knows this isn't true.  Professionally, I have had people tell me they need me, trust me, want me to be the one to take care of their animals.  That means I am doing what I always wanted to--I am the family doctor that people trust.  Personally, I have friends that love me.  People want me to join them for things.  We talk or do things when my crazy schedule allows.  My life gets so nutty because I have a lot of friends. Events at synagogue, dinner and a board game turned into a drinking game by forty/fifty somethings, an upcoming camping trip.....I can see these things.  And yet, I get that overwhelming sense of alone, sad, empty.  Fortunately, I have been through this enough times in my life to know those feelings aren't accurate.

Depression is like MS.  People can't see what is going on, so for many, they don't see the disease as something that is happening. When it can be seen--random crying fits, sleeping excesissively, sudden weight gain/loss--a frequent response is "you know that isn't true."  This is where "real" and "true" are two different things.  While it may not be true, it is the reality that is existing in your mind and it is what is real.  I have learned to counteract or sometimes just ignore those feelings.  But there are many who haven't. 

Ignoring it doesn't mean the feelings aren't there.  I know from vast experience, it will pass if I can just ride it out.  I have been on most antidepressants used (at least everything used until about 10 years ago).  I have been hospitalized for treatment of severe depression, including suicide attempts.  The only thing I can say about that is that it wasn't successful because I am meant to be here.  For me, drugs aren't an answer.  At best, I become so flat that there are NO feelings--bad or good.  At worst, it makes everything worse.  Add to that, weight gain, lethargy, and inability to think clearly. No thanks.  I will stay over here under the dark cloud, because at least I can see the cloud.  And the dark cloud will blow away.

About 10 years ago, I decided that the drugs weren't helping.  At that point I wasn't doing anything else, except ignoring it when it came up.  Over time, I have discovered some things that help.  Get enough sleep, but not too much.  That is one hell of a balancing act when trying to figure out if the overwhelming fatigue is related to the physical symptoms that are going on  or the mental symptoms that are going on.  Diet is also a big deal.  Junk makes it worse.  I am pretty sure that sugar makes it worse--great, I crave chocolate (it can help with depression for a minute), but it starts the roller coaster ride.  And exercise....yes I am a running junkie.  I am a gym rat.  Those of you who knew me in a previous lifetime know how crazy that is.  The medical profession has shown that exercise helps.  The endorphins, the act of getting up and moving, this helps with depression.  So, I know it is a good thing.   Going for a run beats alternatives that can be.  Sometimes it is hard to convince myself to get up and get moving, especially on a dark and dreary day.  But, it helps.  Even if just for a little while.