Today was my long run. Someone asked "why?" Especially after I fell Friday night. The short, possibly smart ass, answer is "because I can." But there is more to it than that. A lot more. When I run, I feel better. The demons that are MS and depression and fear can't come on a run. For that period of time, my mind is quiet. I quit running with music all of the time about a year ago. My trainer told me I needed to be able to pay attention to my body and my pace. So I started running the shorter runs without music. Then my mp3 player died. That doesn't surprise me. What surprises me is that it lasted as long as it did. It wasn't waterproof and when I run, especially in the summer, it is like someone turned the hose on me. I haven't replaced the player. Maybe I will, maybe not. The time I run is peaceful. I ask myself questions and figure out what is going on in the depths of my mind. I pray. I meditate and look at my life. And then there are the times that my mind is silent. That is the best. All of the fear, all of the frustrations, all of the questions just stop. I become more aware of my feet, one step then another. I hear my breathing. I feel my muscles. The silence is precious. I just want to keep going. Where is the turn-around? Who cares. How far have I gone? Not far enough. I am aware of where, how far, how long I need to run, but sometimes I wish for more. I always tell someone my route and a time estimate of how long I will be gone. For reasons of safety, I don't change it. There is a cushion of 15-20 minutes. If I say 3 and a half hours, don't worry until about 3:45. At 4 hours, come find me. I also don't push farther than I am supposed to go based on my training schedule because I don't want to hurt myself. That sounds like hell--hurting myself doing something I love, then I can't do it anymore.
I guess the real answer to why I run, is to make my mind be quiet. Just for a little while. For that time, the demons are gone. They can't keep up. They always come back, about the time I hit the road to my house and I start walking to cool down. But, at least is it quiet for a while. Maybe some day they will be gone. For me, that is the runner's high.
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